Eight years ago, I was moving to a new home in a new city in a new state.  I was excited to find out what my future would hold!  I am still on my journey, trying new and wonderful things that life has to offer.  Yes, there are things that I wish were different, but God has a plan.  I just have to keep my heart open to His leading!

The beginning of January…..

I’m sitting on my rented condo’s 9th floor balcony, taking in the scenery.  I’ll be here in North Myrtle Beach for a month.  There’s nothing between me and the ocean but sand.  I hear the roar of the waves, and it looks like billions of twinkling, white, Christmas lights have been laid on the surface of the water.  I’m watching a father and son toss a football back and forth, a few women playing a game of volleyball without a net, and couples walking up and down the beach, some with a dog in tow.  My smart watch says it’s 48° outside, but on my protected balcony, I’m in jeans and a T shirt, as it feels like it’s at least in the 70°’s.

I am alone.  Almost all of the time, I’m alone, especially since the pandemic hit.  I’ve come to this place to learn to deal with this aloneness.  And yes, as a believer, I know I am never truly alone.  God is always with me, of that I’m sure.  But often, I still feel lonely for human companionship.  

I’ve come a long way, with the help of God, friends, and family, since that awful day in 2019 when Kenn left this earth.  But I still think I have some more work to do.  I’ve found an online counselor/coach that specifically helps widows move on with their lives.  She has a 6 month program that has several zoom meetings a week, as well as monthly workbooks that were mailed.  It’s a pretty intense course, which I like.  Before I joined, I ran some of her tools I know she uses by my son, Ryan, as he works in behavior therapy.  He said it’s a lot of cognitive behavior therapy which he thinks will help me.  I guess time will tell, but I am hopeful. 

Apparently, you can learn to be alone but not lonely.  I remember seeing Terri Irwin, Steve Irwin’s widow, on a talk show.  She said, “I’m lonely for Steve, but I don’t live a lonely life.”  However, she has her kids nearby and working with her.  Every single widow or widower I know, either has children and/or grandchildren nearby or a job.  My kids live in other states and I am retired.  So truly, it’s up to me to find fulfillment within myself.  

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I have been in the course for a month now.  It’s a real eye opener.  I’ve come to realize that, as much as I love and am so intent on being kind to all people, I’m not always that loving and kind to me.  The saying ‘you are your own worst critic’ is coming to bite me!  

I am a work in progress, as I guess we all are.  Bring on year nine!