Grief is a weird thing.  It affects everyone in a different way.  Some people talk and talk about their sadness and loss, and others don’t want to even mention it.  I read a book my son gave me about grief recovery.  It stated that, while people are prepared for almost all events life offers us, we are sadly ill prepared for losing someone we love.  It said, statistically, everyone loses a beloved pet or a loved person every 10 to 13 years.  Wait…what?!  In the past five years, I have lost two beloved pets, my mother, my daughter-in-law, two forever friends (well, three if you include my mother, who was one of my dearest friends besides being my mom), and now, my much loved husband.  I’ve certainly beat that statistic!  And that’s not even counting other losses besides death.  I sure hope the good Lord will give me time off in the loss department!

Sunday will be four months since Kenn died.  Funny, I thought I knew how this grief thing would work.  With other loss experiences, it was mostly horrific at the beginning, then, as the days and weeks went by, it steadily got better—or more bearable—with time.  And that’s how I expected this season of grief to be.  Wrong!!!  I had NO CLUE how different this loss would be!  It has come in waves, sometimes brought on by an experience or date or circumstance, and sometimes for no known reason, like a rogue wave in the ocean.  Several of my friends on Facebook posted a poem of sorts saying you can choose.  One line said ‘you can choose to cry because they are gone, or you can smile because they lived.’  All of it was along these lines.  I DO smile, thinking of our life together, and laugh remembering funny things Kenn said or did.  But I DO cry, too—I miss him and I’m lonely without him.  I would love to laugh at new, goofy things he would do.  I would love to see my man child finish setting up and playing with his trains.  I would love to feel one more wonderful hug from his strong arms.

I’ve heard other people’s stories of their losses.  Some are young mothers, who are suddenly alone raising their children.  Some are so in debt and have lost not only their mate, but their family’s main source of income.  They are forced to leave their homes AND try to figure out their finances AND deal with their grief.  I am blessed that my boys are grown, gainfully employed, and self sustaining.  And, unless something catastrophic happens, I will always have a roof over my head (wherever that ends up being!).  I am blessed to be in THE best neighborhood and belong to THE best church family!  Several women in one ‘loss of spouse group’ I belong to, stated that their friends abandoned them, or seemed to feel threatened by them around their husbands.  That is so foreign to me!  My friends I had before Kenn died are my friends now.  I am included in activities and feel very welcome by all.  I am blessed with extended family who make me feel very loved—including Kenn’s family.  They love me as a daughter, sister, cousin.  I am blessed to have a loving Father who sometimes has to drag me through a day when I am flailing and sinking.  And, I am blessed to have a loving Father who gifts me with His wonderful, unimaginable peace that passes understanding when I can’t find peace on my own.