Tag Archives: loss

Lonely, But Finding Laughter

Soon, it will be six months since Kenn died.  It’s still so surreal to me.  How can you be so full of life one minute and gone the next?!  I would be lying if I said I’ve got it all together at this point.  But most of the time, it is becoming a bit more bearable. One of the many difficult things is the loneliness.

A friend recently posted on Facebook something like this…

The hardest part of losing someone you love, is finding the part of you they took with them.

I read it wrong the first few times.  I thought it meant ‘finding the YOU that was left behind when you became a THEM’.  I really really liked being a ‘them’.  I know a lot of people who are loners.  I am not one of them.  I do like my alone time, though. But the alone time I like is first thing in the morning.  I get up, make a cup of hot tea, and read my Bible and spend some time in prayer.  But the ‘alone time’ I liked was Kenn puttering in his study or playing with his trains.  That was alone enough for me!

The silence is deafening at times.  Our house was so full of life and laughter.  I love having company over. But sometimes, after they leave, the echoes in the house of putting away dishes, taking off my shoes, the ticking clock….any noises in the house are that much more noticeable.  I don’t watch a lot of TV.  But, I must admit, my phone and IPad are glued to me at all times.  My iPad is my source for so many things.  On it, is my Bible, my Kindle, news sources, shopping, banking, word, number, and card games, weather info, etc.  The TV would make some noise for the house, though.  Hmm.  Anyway, I’m almost always alone, and a lot of that time, lonely.  I am understanding more and more why men tend to ‘jump the gun’ when finding someone new after their loss.  Women tend to have more girl friends than men have guy friends.  I don’t know what I would do without my friends….I thank God daily for them.

On the issue of finding someone new….as most know, Kenn and I met on Christian Mingle.  I was wondering if it even still existed, as I haven’t seen or heard any advertisements for it like I did ‘back when’.  I decided to take a look and, yes, it’s there.  Now I’m not ready to date (don’t know if I ever will be, in fact) so I looked at it with a fake name and no picture.  And, it lets you read people’s profiles and see a person’s main picture without paying.  (You have to pay to see their secondary pictures or contact someone which I didn’t want to do.)  One person’s profile did make me laugh, though.  He said he ‘had no tattoos, no piercings, and all his own teeth’.  (Am I old or what?!) Then it asks where you see yourself in five years.  He said, ‘Where He leads me, I will follow.  What He feeds me, I will swallow’.😁 (I couldn’t help but wonder what a man would think if he saw that on a woman’s profile!).

Another thing I noticed, is a lot of men need a woman’s help getting a picture of themselves on the site.  The main picture you put on there is to show exactly what you look like.  I want to show some examples of what I am talking about.  Now, mind you, these may be perfectly wonderful gentlemen, and I truly hope they find someone as wonderful as I did. But their main picture…..well….I didn’t edit these….

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Yep, that’s his main pic!  Do ladies respond, “Hi!  Saw your pic but….Uh, are you the hat or the nose???”

I think this next one might be in the witness protection program….

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There were a lot of pics from the eyes—and sometimes the eyebrows—up!

And then, the last one I’m sharing….

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I guess she could respond, “Hi!  You have a very nice ear….”

ANYway…..if anyone out there chooses to get on a dating site, run your profile—and especially pictures—you plan on posting by a friend and see if they approve!

GOOD GRIEF?! Finding Blessings During Pain

Grief is a weird thing.  It affects everyone in a different way.  Some people talk and talk about their sadness and loss, and others don’t want to even mention it.  I read a book my son gave me about grief recovery.  It stated that, while people are prepared for almost all events life offers us, we are sadly ill prepared for losing someone we love.  It said, statistically, everyone loses a beloved pet or a loved person every 10 to 13 years.  Wait…what?!  In the past five years, I have lost two beloved pets, my mother, my daughter-in-law, two forever friends (well, three if you include my mother, who was one of my dearest friends besides being my mom), and now, my much loved husband.  I’ve certainly beat that statistic!  And that’s not even counting other losses besides death.  I sure hope the good Lord will give me time off in the loss department!

Sunday will be four months since Kenn died.  Funny, I thought I knew how this grief thing would work.  With other loss experiences, it was mostly horrific at the beginning, then, as the days and weeks went by, it steadily got better—or more bearable—with time.  And that’s how I expected this season of grief to be.  Wrong!!!  I had NO CLUE how different this loss would be!  It has come in waves, sometimes brought on by an experience or date or circumstance, and sometimes for no known reason, like a rogue wave in the ocean.  Several of my friends on Facebook posted a poem of sorts saying you can choose.  One line said ‘you can choose to cry because they are gone, or you can smile because they lived.’  All of it was along these lines.  I DO smile, thinking of our life together, and laugh remembering funny things Kenn said or did.  But I DO cry, too—I miss him and I’m lonely without him.  I would love to laugh at new, goofy things he would do.  I would love to see my man child finish setting up and playing with his trains.  I would love to feel one more wonderful hug from his strong arms.

I’ve heard other people’s stories of their losses.  Some are young mothers, who are suddenly alone raising their children.  Some are so in debt and have lost not only their mate, but their family’s main source of income.  They are forced to leave their homes AND try to figure out their finances AND deal with their grief.  I am blessed that my boys are grown, gainfully employed, and self sustaining.  And, unless something catastrophic happens, I will always have a roof over my head (wherever that ends up being!).  I am blessed to be in THE best neighborhood and belong to THE best church family!  Several women in one ‘loss of spouse group’ I belong to, stated that their friends abandoned them, or seemed to feel threatened by them around their husbands.  That is so foreign to me!  My friends I had before Kenn died are my friends now.  I am included in activities and feel very welcome by all.  I am blessed with extended family who make me feel very loved—including Kenn’s family.  They love me as a daughter, sister, cousin.  I am blessed to have a loving Father who sometimes has to drag me through a day when I am flailing and sinking.  And, I am blessed to have a loving Father who gifts me with His wonderful, unimaginable peace that passes understanding when I can’t find peace on my own.