My son told me nobody blogs anymore.  Well, I guess SOMEbody does…..

May 15, 2019 began my Act 3.  I’m stepping into this new act much more confused and trepidatiously than Act 2.

May 14th was a great day.  Kenn and I spent the whole day together, going to Knoxville (about an hour away from our home) and we talked and laughed all day long about one thing or another.  That evening, he was driving up to Ohio to go to an eye doctor visit with his mom the next morning.  He wanted me to go with him but I had an appointment I didn’t want to miss.  As he was leaving, he came and kissed me goodbye, and it was a long, passionate kiss.  I was thinking, as he kissed me, ‘I miss you already’.  When the kiss ended, he looked at me and said, “I miss you already.” I smiled and told him I was just thinking the same thing, which happened often.  I would think something, then it would come out of his mouth.  He told me the only reason he didn’t want to go was because he hated being away from me.  I told him to come back to me as soon as he could and he said he would.  We said our ‘I love yous’ and he left.  And he never came back.

Early May 15th morning, he told his mom he was feeling weird around the base of his throat and thought he should get it checked out at an urgent care.  Kenn NEVER went to the doctor—didn’t take one pill.  He had a physical with bloodwork and an EKG less than a year before just because he was changing health insurance companies to get a lower premium.  Everything was perfect.   Anyway, they drove to an urgent care.  They both walked to the door and it was closed.  So they got back in the car and headed to the ER 12 miles away. Almost immediately, he leaned his head back and began making gurgling sounds.  They were about a block away from a fire station so his mom stopped there and got EMT’s out to help.  They had the very best equipment but, after shocking him at least six times, nothing worked.  And just like that, my beloved was gone. On his death certificate, there is a line that says ‘interval from onset of illness until death’ and it says ‘immediate’.

I knew Kenn five years, nine months, and four days.  We were married three years, three months, and nine days.  I’m sure, if I tried, I could calculate it to the minute.  I thought he was the most beautiful person—inside and out—to walk the face of the earth.  He made me feel beautiful, respected, loved.  After losing his first wife suddenly and unexpectedly, he often said we shouldn’t take one day for granted.  We didn’t.  Our disagreements were minor and over quickly.  We were together almost all of the time, and we both liked it that way.  We often told each other that home was wherever WE were.  We laughed every single day.  We both believed God led us to each other.  So I struggle with the whys.  When I’m in my most distraught moments, I pray (loudly) in my large, empty house GOD!  I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!  I know Kenn is OK….he’s where all of our souls long to be.  It’s me (and all those who loved him) who I weep for.

Recently, while resting, a scripture came to me suddenly that I know so well, but has new meaning for me.  I said it several times in my head, without consciously trying to, and before it dawned on me just how meaningful it was.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.  Proverbs 3:5,6

I don’t understand, and I may never will. But God has a plan for me.  I have no idea what it is, or even where it is.  I just have to trust Him to show me the way.